


Goodbye Letters

by eteey



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 22:31:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1112288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eteey/pseuds/eteey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan continues to write letters to Phil, even though Phil isnt among the living anymore. Angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye Letters

Dear Phil,  
I know you won’t be able to read this but I like to believe that you can somehow. I can’t do it anymore, Phil. You were everything to me, you always will be. But now you’re gone I can’t do this anymore. I know you said I shouldn’t blame myself but how could I not? You stormed out of the apartment because of me, even worse I didn’t follow you. You have no idea how much I wish I had followed you out. I could’ve grabbed your arm and spun you around and kissed you. I should’ve known where you were going; I should’ve known that had relapsed. I should’ve known you never really recovered and now it’s too late. I’m so sorry, my love.  
Love always, Dan

Dear Phil,  
It’s all getting too much. It’s been 3 months now and people are expecting me to do something. The cards have stopped coming (I threw them away anyway), the phone has stopped ringing (I never picked up). It seems people want to just forget about you and move on. But how can I do that? How the fuck am I meant to function without you? I haven’t been doing anything; I can’t even play video games without thinking about you. I found a release for the pain, it helps a little. You wouldn’t like it but you’re gone, you’re gone and you can’t help me and I hate you for it. Why did you have to leave me, if you had just stayed, we would’ve been able to talk through it. The thing that haunts me the most is that you left this world, thinking that I didn’t love you anymore. But I take it back; I take everything back I said that horrible night. I would chop off my own arm to get you back but it wouldn’t fucking work.  
I’m sorry for the bitterness, Dan

Dear Phil,  
My release has stopped working. It no longer gives me release. But I just cut deeper, I hope, I wish that it would help but I’m beyond help now. It’s been 5 months and I can’t do it anymore. I know I say this in every letter but I just can’t. I haven’t had human contact in a month, but I don’t want other human contact, I want contact from you I want to kiss you and hug you and keep you in my arms forever but it’s too late now. I’ve turned to alcohol, I don’t even like the taste but if I get drunk enough it numbs everything. I don’t forget, I never forget, even in my dreams I am haunted by a blue-eyed boy. I know how you felt now. I understand, I even understand why you threw yourself under that train. But if I had you here I would never feel this way. Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you through it, I would’ve done anything. That night, that horrible night, I messed up, I didn’t realise you were close to collapsing, I didn’t realise you had relapsed, I didn’t realise you needed me right then. I fucked up Phil and I’m so so sorry. I just want you back.  
Love always, Dan

Dear Phil,  
This will be my last letter. It has been exactly a year and three days since that fateful night, I haven’t written because I couldn’t. I have deteriorated so much. I numb myself with drugs and alcohol and I have cut myself to ribbons. This is my last note because everything I tried has not worked. You were my everything and now that you are gone I am nothing. It hurts, Phil, it hurts so much. When I finish this letter I am stopping, stopping this mess of a life, I am leaving this world to join you. I am not scared; I see it as relief after burdens of pain.  
I will see you soon, my love.  
Love always, Dan

 

The boy put the letter in a shoebox, along with three others, a small lion stuffed toy and a checked shirt. He sat on his bed, box in one hand and pills in the other. “I love you, Phil”, he murmured before proceeding to tip the pills into his mouth and swallow quickly. Before he closed his eyes, he could’ve sworn he saw a black-haired boy sitting at the end of his bed, watching him with sad, blue eyes.


End file.
